Almost 2 weeks in...

Wow, this Mommy stuff is HARD. I sincerely had no idea. Being pregnant was simple for me about 90% of the time, and it never occurred to me how dark these early weeks might be for me. No one really warned me or prepared me.

I had such a great time bonding with Liam in the hospital, and even though recovery was very challenging the first few days, things were relatively easy in the hospital. For the first 4 or 5 days after coming home, I was crying ALL the time and I was seriously sleep deprived. I didn't bond with Liam the way I did in the hospital. I also questioned myself repeatedly - "What did I get myself into?" "Why did I think I could do this?" I felt as needy towards B as Liam is! I wanted constant affection/reassurance (something that I've never needed/wanted). I found myself in a really dark place more often than not. I even questioned whether I had Post Partum Depression. I was having a hard time distinguishing hormonal imbalance/baby blues with something more severe. Each day seems to get easier, and the more sleep I get, the more I can handle what the day has in store for me.

Recovery wise, nearly 2 weeks out, I'm feeling pretty good. I can easily go up and down the stairs, bend over and pick things up, and I've been off of all pain meds for about a week.

I'm so grateful that B took 3 weeks off from work to be at home. He's been a lifesaver, and the best Daddy I could have ever imagined. I knew he'd be good, but I'm not sure I realized how good. I feel like I have miles to go before I'm at his level, but I am striving for it. It still takes me 5-6 diaper wipes to get through a changing!

That's all for now :)

Liam is 13 days old

Liam is here! Birth story!

And boy was I wrong in my original weight estimate ;)

My little man was born on Monday, Oct 12th at 2:09pm weighing in at 8lbs8oz. I have no idea how we produced such a large child, but we are madly in love with our creation.

I did end up with the c-section as scheduled. Ironically, when I was hooked up to the fetal monitors on the morning of the surgery, I was having regular contractions at 3 minutes apart! I started to second guess things, and my OB even said, if I had wanted, she would have broken my water and I could try and labor. However, he had still not dropped, and she didn't have any more confidence that I wouldn't end up with an emergency (or near emergency c/s) anyway.

My surgery was scheduled for noon and they were running behind. Two separate nurses tried for my IV FOUR times. They blew 2 of my veins right beside each other, which was not pleasant to say the very least, a third in my right hand, and then another in the same arm. I had had enough. I broke down in tears. I was doing so well up until that point, I had very little anxiety - my main concern was my ravenous hunger. They called in a nurse anesthetist who easily got it on the first try, no pain at all, and it was done. I was really frustrated by that point because no one has ever had trouble with my veins, and here I was feeling like a pin cushion. Next, my doctor comes in again and says there is still a hold up, but hopefully within the hour we'll be ready to go. She also then explains that the anesthesiologist that day is going to be doing my meds differently than she thought. Instead of a spinal and then Duramorph (a long lasting morphine shot), I was going to get an epidural which would be left in for about 24 hours. All the docs seemed to think the first option was the latest and greatest, but of course the anesthesiologist on my surgery was old school (he was in his 70's). I was also warned that his bedside manner was bad and that he doesn't talk much. Excellent. For whatever reason, I actually didn't get upset by this, or the big change in the meds.

Around 1:15, we all made the walk to the OR. When I arrived, I actually thought this was some kind of prep room for the epi and that I would be transferred. I swear the OR was the size of my walk-in closet and no bigger. It was like something out of the 1950's... I got seated on the table, while DH was waiting outside. I was to curve my back. It was at this time, the anesthesiologist with his awesome bedside manner, walked in, mumbled his name to me, said that there's a chance this wouldn't work and I'd need to be put under, and that it could also take several tries. Good afternoon to you too, buddy. Then, the nice nurse anesthetist from earlier said that my heart rate was at 150 (no kidding). Then I got the numbing shot which didn't hurt at all, and old-school dude rooted around in my spine. I have no idea how many tries it took (it could have only been 1, but it also could have been 10) but it definitely took a few minutes longer than I thought. Then there was some sort of electrical shock up my side which jolted me and he reprimanded me to sit still. That ticked me off because there was no warning, and it was literally like an electrical shock throughout my entire left side.

I laid down on the table, and they prepped me for surgery, continually asking me if I was starting to feel numb (not particularly). Eventually, the drape went up, and B was brought in. Then they tested me with the calipers and asked if I could feel it. I said yes and that it was sharp. I started to get concerned, but then a few minutes later I realized they were cutting me and I definitely could not feel pain. I could feel all the tugging and then pushing and pulling, which I have to admit was pretty cool. As weird as it sounds, I was glad to have the epi and not the spinal because it was kind of nice feeling my baby being taken out of me, as opposed to having no feeling of it whatsoever. The surgery seemed to go by very quickly, but DH said it was actually a lot longer than I thought it was. Either way, I felt totally comfortable throughout the surgery and I had no side effects during the part where they take the baby out. I didn't have any shakes or nausea. I was told I'd feel a lot of pressure when they were going to take him out, but it wasn't bad at all. When my OB went to take him out, his head came out and he cried immediately, and she said, gently, in her sweet British accent "Not yet..." It was cute. Then he was all the way out and was screaming so they didn't get to suction him until after he had swallowed a bunch of amniotic fluid.

They brought him around the curtain for B and I to see and it was the most amazing, yet strangest experience I've ever felt. This baby belonged to me, but yet I didn't recognize him; however, I loved him immediately and intensely. This was when things started to get a little rough. All of a sudden, I started to have chest pains, and I actually thought I might be having a heart attack. It was difficult to breathe, and the pain was so intense. It was taking away from my experience of watching my new baby, and I was frustrated. I was told they were giving me meds but they didn't work, so they ended up giving me Versed (sp.?) which has amnesiac properties. It made me immediately drowsy. I was so scared that I was gripping B's hand, to the point where he was staying with me at first instead of going with Liam to the nursery. I didn't intend for that to happen, but I was so out of it, I didn't even realize he was still there. At some point, I was completely out, and he did go to the nursery. I woke up in the recovery room, which was the same room I had started in. I don't remember how much time lapsed but it seemed nearly immediate that B and my baby boy came in together.

Then, the process of what I'd like to call Uterus Crushing ensued. Every 15 minutes for a couple of hours, a nurse came in and pressed so hard on my stomach, I thought I was going to pass out. They all said it was for my best interest, and I believed it, but it was really torturous. It did work though, because by the end of the night, my uterus was under my belly button, and most of the big clots had already been passed.

I was transferred to the post-partum unit when my pain was under control (which was probably an 8 or so for a while). The first night was really rough, I'm not going to sugar coat it. I was confined to my bed due to the epi, the catheter and the IV. I couldn't eat food, and was on a liquid diet which didn't curb my ravenous hunger. The pain meds maybe took the edge off, but I was so confused as to why I had this epidural which didn't seem to take my pain away, but made my right leg completely numb, which was annoying. They also put leg compressors on me, which compressed my legs every 45 seconds or so (like a blood pressure cuff) and I wasn't a fan of those either.

I slept for maybe 30 minutes the entire night. I fed Liam the best I could - I had a lot of colostrum but I couldn't get him to latch well (which ended up being my fault, as I was doing it wrong). I was so hot... I could have sworn my room was 90* but B was wearing a fleece and practically shivering. The next day, I was sleep deprived but excited to be able to get out of bed and start the recovery. About noon the next day, my epi was removed, the catheter was taken out, and I was able to get out of bed. It was like learning to walk again. The first few steps were torturous and I felt like my stomach was splitting in two. I never thought I'd feel better. I was told I could get my IV out after I peed twice, so I drank about 8 glasses of water and peed. I was at least glad to not be attached to anything anymore. As the day wore on, and we had way too many visitors, I was feeling crappy. I also got behind on the pain meds. I went to bed and hoped for the best. I got a little more sleep than the previous night and felt a little better when I woke up. We had fewer guests and I really focused on learning to breast feed, having several visits with the lactation consultant, who was very helpful. By the evening time, my milk had come in (just over 48hrs which I thought was really fast).

The next day, which is when I was scheduled to go home, I was feeling pretty good, but I was emotionally not ready to go home. Before going into the hospital (having never spent the night in the hospital before) I was planning for the minimum stay. I would have never predicted that I'd actually ask for the full time my insurance allowed. I'm grateful that I did. I was so well taken care of at the hospital, my room was amazing (it was twice the size of the OR I was in!), the food was good, and it was all I could ask for after the birth of my baby.

I came home 3 days ago, back to reality and virtually pain free for the most part. I weaned off the Percoset 2 days ago, and I'm so glad I did. The constipation was ten times worse than the incision pain. They kept offering me a prescription or Colace in the hospital and I really should have taken them up on their offer about 3 days after Liam was born.

Liam is now a week old, and I'm easily able to move about through the house. I am so much more mobile than I anticipated, just a week out. One of my favorite parts of coming home was getting on the scale, and seeing that I've lost about 20 of my 30 pregnancy pounds.

I couldn't be more enamored with my new baby and this week was worth it a million times over. I may be a candidate for VBAC next time around (though very unlikely) but I would do this over again (not for a while though!) in a second.

There's my story and I'm sticking to it!

Here are some photos!

By day 2, Liam was handling his own pacifier. This boy is STRONG. The 2nd pic is of his first bath.

1 week post partum:













Liam is 1 week old

40 weeks - last pregnancy update!

Wow. I've made it. I am at full term with my pregnancy and everything has gone according to plan (so far). I can only hope and pray that things continue to be so great. I feel like the luckiest person alive. I also truly feel like I could be pregnant for the rest of my life. Ok maybe not THIS pregnant, but around 6/7 months was pretty fantastic. By next week, my belly will be deflating and I won't feel all those amazing kicks, rolls, turns, tickles, rib punches, hiccups. This was my first full term pregnancy and I will never, ever forget how incredible it was.

Here is the last update from babycenter:
It's hard to say for sure how big your baby will be, but the average newborn weighs about 7 1/2 pounds (a small pumpkin) and is about 20 inches long. The biggest part of your baby's body is his head, but his still-pliable skull will give it the flexibility necessary to squeeze through the birth canal. Many parents are surprised by how long and sharp their newborn's nails are from the get-go. Clipping them right away (ask a nurse for help) can prevent your baby from scratching his face.

How far along? 40 weeks. Wow.
Total weight gain: 30.5lbs. Yay. I actually thought I was going to gain more, but I am so happy I met my goal :) I wonder how long it will take me to lose.
Maternity clothes? I wore some non-maternity shirts the last couple of days, just for fun. It's nice that they can fit.
Stretch marks? I have them on my butt, and some extremely light ones around my belly button, but because they're so new, I think they will fade quickly. Wishful thinking, I suppose. The lotions seemed to actually help.
Sleep: I slept from midnight - 7:30am this morning. I think that's pretty good. I can't imagine that I'll sleep much at all tonight.

Best moment this week: Realizing how much my life is going to change. I am responsible for another person.
Movement: Still lots of great moving around. I am going to miss this more than I can put into words.
Food cravings: Yep, made it through the entire pregnancy without any weird cravings.
Gender: Baby boy Liam
Labor Signs: None whatsoever. Liam is perfectly content with where he is, and if he wasn't getting an eviction notice tomorrow, I bet he'd stay for another 2 weeks if he could.

Belly Button in or out? It's totally gone. I wonder what it will look like in a couple of months. Never did pop though.
What I miss: Well, just for this week, I miss feeling calm and worry free.

What I am looking forward to: Meeting my son.
Milestone: I have made it full term with an uncomplicated pregnancy. I feel so fortunate, blessed and lucky. Having suffered a loss in the past, that experience makes this one even more special, as I prayed for this little guy to thrive, for me to be able to carry him to term, and here I am.

Ok, here's my very last belly pic. All my good stuff is packed, so please excuse the fact that I am wearing B's pajamas which make me look about a thousand times bigger than I am ;) And just for comparison, I'll put it next to my 4 week photo too.


40w

Second growth ultrasound

So, it went exactly as predicted. My giant child is still giant. His estimated weight is now 8lbs9oz. 3 weeks ago he was at 7lb1oz, and babies are expected to grow 1oz a day, so I figured 21oz on top of his weight last time would put him at a little under what he's actually at... so he's growing fiercely! He's approaching macrosomic weight (which is considered 8lb13oz) and that is just crazy. I seriously thought I was having a 7 pounder. Guess I should put that out of my mind. Will his newborn clothes even fit!?

So everything remains the same. If he hasn't engaged by Friday, I think the writing is on the wall...

39w3d

39 weeks (and a day)

I have tons of mixed emotions. On one hand, I'm relishing in being pregnant in the final days, but on the other hand, I can't wait to be physically capable of doing things again. The sad part is, I have a feeling that it will be an exceptionally long time until I feel like myself. I also may never look like myself again either. I've never been super vain or anything, but this seems to bother me right now way more than I'd like it to. I guess I will have to re-create my self-image, post-partum. This should be interesting.

I have one more doctor's appointment on Friday. Unfortunately, my doctor is not in the office this week, so I'll see one of the other docs, whom I've basically been seeing throughout the pregnancy. I'll ask her to feel for Liam's head and if it *still* isn't engaged, I guess that'll be the answer. If it is, I'll ask for a growth ultrasound (fortunately, the tech is in the office on Fridays) and if he has grown consistently in 3+ weeks, he should be about 8.5lbs and still measuring in a very high percentile, not consistent with me to give birth the regular way (with my small bone structure). If things have changed (he's engaged, smaller than predicted, etc.) I may ask to be induced Sunday evening or early Monday morning and be given the opportunity to labor for a set number of hours and see how things go. If he doesn't progress or seems to be in distress, then we can head for a c-section. This seems like the rational way to proceed, in my opinion. I imagine I could change my mind 27 times before the end of the week, but right now, that's how I'm leaning.

One of the last updates:
Your baby's waiting to greet the world! He continues to build a layer of fat to help control his body temperature after birth, but it's likely he already measures about 20 inches and weighs a bit over 7 pounds, a mini watermelon. (Boys tend to be slightly heavier than girls.) The outer layers of his skin are sloughing off as new skin forms underneath.

How far along? 39 weeks
Total weight gain: 30lbs - I'm pleased with this!
Maternity clothes? Oh yeah
Stretch marks? There are some trying to form around my belly button, so I have $30 worth of Bio-Oil, La Mer and cocoa/shea butter to try and combat them... we shall see. It just feels wrong to have made it so far, and only now do I have these battle scars on my belly. The ones on my butt are bad enough but no one really needs to see them. Smack dab in the middle of my stomach? COME ON. I have to hope that they'd fade away in a few months (with religious application of miracle oils and lotions, ha) but who knows. I am trying to be cool with this, really I am.
Sleep: I seem to wake up like clockwork at either 5 or 6am, wide awake, for whatever reason. I spend about 30 minutes awake, get up to pee, then go to sleep again. I actually feel like I am sleeping solidly for 5-6 hours before waking up though, which is nice. Although, when I wake up, my thoughts usually start to race/anxiety sets in, which is frustrating.

Best moment this week: Telling people that I am due next weekend and seeing the shocked look on their faces!
Movement: Lots of rolls, and strong movements mixed in with subtle ones as well.
Food cravings: Junk food. Ok, not really a craving, but I have been indulging in some things I would not normally indulge in. Let's take Saturday for instance. At the Farmer's Market, I split a Ham & Swiss crepe with B, and then we shared a chocolate croissant (as well as several pears/apples). In the late afternoon, we stopped at Wendy's where I had a Spicy Chicken sandwich, some fries, and a few spoonfuls of chili. I then came home and had 2 chocolate chip cookies which I had baked a couple of nights ago. For "dinner" we had milkshakes and a bowl of popcorn while we watched a movie.That may not sound *that* bad, but it's a far cry from my usual food intake ;)
Gender: boy
Labor Signs: None really. Not expecting to either.

Belly Button in or out? So I was wrong. It's not going to pop.
What I miss: Feeling normal.

What I am looking forward to: In one week (or less, but I doubt it) I will meet little Liam. Unbelievable.
Milestone: I've been ridiculously fortunate/blessed this pregnancy and I can only hope that extends until after my little chicken is here.




















39w1d

Having a baby this month... and uninvited stretch marks.

Liam will be born this month! Yeah, that's weird to say.

Speaking of weird...

Some of you may know that I have an irrational fear of stretch marks (even though I have some on my butt from this pregnancy). I know they are war wounds, but I am SO pale that they're so obvious on my white skin. I see the beginnings of them wanting to form in a circle around my belly button. I cannot believe I have gotten this far without any on my stomach and now they're coming. So I did some research, found that La Mer products are likely the best out there and just paid 12.99 for ONE OUNCE on eBay. Yes, ONE OUNCE. I, apparently, am desperate. I am terrified that in my home stretch of being pregnant, these suckers are going to just pop out everywhere. In the meantime, before my ONE OUNCE arrives, I will be religiously applying my cocoa/shea butter lotion 2-3x/day. I used to apply it only once, but I need to ramp that up obviously. And possibly double my water intake, even though I drink nearly a gallon of water a day as it is.

I have officially approached insanity.

38w4d